Bing-Bong, The Witch Is Dead:

By Rob C.

Art by Malcolm McGookin

TL;DR: Kristi Noem—puppy-killer, Trump sycophant, and the least qualified person to ever run the largest law enforcement agency in the world—is finally out as DHS Secretary. Her reign of terror included funneling $220 million to her friends, and Trump-connected companies, buying a $70 million luxury jet for her and boyfriend Cory Lewandowski to join the Mile-High-Club, cosplaying in every uniform imaginable while overseeing the most brutal crackdown on US citizens we’ve ever seen. She and her gang of fascists (Greg Bovino, Tom Homan, etc.) violated dozens of court orders and the Constitution with their Gestapo tactics in American cities. But like a case of political herpes, she’s not really gone— she’s merely being reshuffled into a made-up “National Security Consigliere” role where she can continue to ignore the Constitution without the pesky inconvenience of Senate oversight. Because loyalty to the Don is rewarded, not punished. The witch is dead. Long live the witch.

“Bing-Bong!” The wicked witch of the West (River, South Dakota) has officially left the building. Or, more accurately, she’s boarded her $70 million luxury Gulfstream—purchased with your tax dollars—to fly to a new, made-up office in the West Wing.

Botox Betty, the puppy executioner, aspiring Instagram influencer, and the most unqualified person to ever run the Department of Homeland Security—has been removed from her position overseeing the largest law enforcement agency in the world.

Pop the champagne! Light the fireworks! Celebrate that we’ve finally rid ourselves of Homeland Security Barbie and her cosplay fascism! Maybe not just yet.

Because just like herpes, Kristi Noem isn’t actually going away. Trump has created a brand-new, completely made-up position for her so she can continue grifting on the taxpayer dime while pretending to serve the country she’s actively destroying.

But before we get to her new gig, let’s take a fond look back at the disaster that was Governor-turned-DHS-Secretary Kristi Noem.

Kristi Noem - A Brief History of Terrible Decisions

Kristi Noem was the Governor of South Dakota—a state with fewer people than many mid-sized cities, which apparently qualified her to run an agency with 240,000 employees and a $60 billion budget.

What did she accomplish as governor? Well, she:

Refused to implement COVID restrictions, turning South Dakota into a viral petri dish. Bragged about not requiring masks or lockdowns while her constituents died at higher rates than neighboring states. Used state resources to promote her personal brand and boost her national profile. Wrote a book where she bragged about shooting her puppy because it wasn’t a good hunting dog, apparently thinking “I murder animals when they’re inconvenient” was a good campaign message.

This is the person Trump chose to lead the Department of Homeland Security. Not someone with law enforcement experience. Not someone with national security expertise. Not someone with a background in immigration policy or counterterrorism. No, he chose a woman whose main qualifications were: Unwavering loyalty to Trump, willingness to do illegal things without asking questions, looking good in tactical gear for photo ops.

She’s also having an extra marital affair with Trump campaign manager Cory Lewandowski, because nothing says “family values” like banging your way into the inner circle.

$220 Million fashion shoot:

Kristi Noem didn’t waste any time looting the Department of Homeland Security for her personal enrichment and the enrichment of Trump’s network.

She funneled $220 million in contracts to companies connected to Trump and her personal friends. Not through competitive bidding. Not through transparent procurement processes. Just straight-up pay-to-play corruption where loyalty to Trump was rewarded with taxpayer-funded contracts.

The companies getting these contracts had one thing in common: connections to Trump or Noem. They donated to Trump’s campaigns. They employed former Trump officials. They were run by people who kissed the ring and got rewarded with government money.

It’s textbook corruption. But in the Trump administration, it’s just called Tuesday.

But Kristi Noem’s personal grift was even more brazen.

Flying High on Your Dime

She spent $70 million in taxpayer money on a luxury private jet. Not for official government business that required secure transportation. Not for emergency situations that justified the expense.

No, she bought a luxury jet so she and her boyfriend Cory Lewandowski could join the Mile High Club in style.

They used it for “official trips” to places like Paris, London, and Dubai—cities that definitely have commercial flights but apparently aren’t fancy enough for Homeland Security Barbie. They used it for weekend getaways. They used it to shuttle between DC and South Dakota so Noem could pretend she still cared about her constituents.

Seventy. Million. Dollars. That could have funded school lunch programs. That could have housed homeless veterans. That could have repaired crumbling infrastructure.

Instead, it bought Kristi Noem and her boy-toy a flying palace so they didn’t have to suffer the indignity of first-class commercial travel like peasants.

Cosplay Fascism:

But what Kristi Noem will really be remembered for is her shameless cosplay in every law enforcement uniform imaginable while overseeing the most brutal crackdown on US citizens we’ve ever seen.

We saw her in Border Patrol tactical gear, Coast Guard blues, ICE camo, plus tactical SWAT black and a dizzying array of “Homeland Security Barbie” outfits. With zero law enforcement experience, Noem approached the DHS like a high-fashion photoshoot. Military fatigues, Aviator sunglasses, and an unhealthy dose of Botox. She posed for photos in every uniform she could get her hands on, like a child playing dress-up. The photo ops were constant. Kristi standing tough at the border. Kristi in tactical gear during a raid. Kristi looking “serious” while briefing Trump on immigration enforcement. Kristi in a helicopter surveying “the crisis.” It was performative authoritarianism. Fascism as Instagram content. Brutality as branding. And while she posed for cameras, her agency was committing atrocities.

Under Kristi Noem’s leadership, DHS—along with her gang of fascists including Greg Bovino (acting ICE director) and Tom Homan (Trump’s “border czar”)—launched the most brutal crackdown on US citizens in modern American history.

So Many Crimes, So Little Accountability

Let’s be very clear about what Kristi Noem and her gang did:

Violating court orders. Ignoring constitutional protections. Violating civil rights. Using federal resources for personal enrichment is corruption. Deploying the military against civilians in violation of the Posse Comitatus Act. And through it all, she faced zero consequences. No criminal charges. No impeachment. No accountability of any kind.

Until now. Sort of.

Bing-Bong, The Witch Is... moved?

So why is Kristi Noem finally out as DHS Secretary?

Was it the corruption? The luxury jet? The constitutional violations? The dead bodies piling up from her enforcement policies?

Nope. Because she outed Trump for approving the $220 Million in fashion ads. Not because he suddenly grew a conscience, but because he only cares about his own image.

Trump doesn’t tolerate even mild accountability. So she’s out.

But here’s the thing: she’s not actually gone.

Just like herpes, Kristi Noem isn’t cured. She’s just in remission.

In a move that surprises absolutely zero people, Trump has created a brand-new, completely fabricated position for her—likely something like - Special Advisor to some Bullshit comity of something he just pulled out of his butt.

It’s a fake job with no real authority, no Senate confirmation required, and no accountability. But it comes with a salary, an office, access to Trump, and the ability to continue grifting. She’ll still be around. Still posing in tactical gear. Still advocating for brutal crackdowns. Still funneling money to Trump-connected companies. Still flying on luxury jets. The only difference is now she doesn’t have to pretend to run an actual agency or follow any rules whatsoever.

A Fond F*ck Off

So let’s raise a glass to Kristi Noem’s departure from DHS!

To the woman who proved that in Trump’s America, loyalty matters more than competence, cruelty matters more than law, and there are no consequences for crimes as long as you kiss the ring!

Bing-bong, the witch is dead!

Except she’s not. She’s just moved offices. Because in this administration, failure is rewarded, corruption is ignored, and accountability is a myth. The witch is dead, but as long as these people can just “rebrand” their way out of accountability, the cover-up continues.

We may have a new face at the DHS, but the “Epstein Class” of predators is still running the show. The files are still redacted, the “Board of Peace” is still laundering billions, and Kristi Noem is still on the payroll.

F*CK ICE. RELEASE ALL THE FILES!

Please like, share, and subscribe—because like herpes, the grifters never really go away.

— Robert Cain, author of Democracy for Sale: How Corporate Greed Is Corrupting Democracy and Endangering the Planet.