Ah, the mythical “golden age” promised by Donald Trump and his devoted acolytes—a shimmering mirage always just beyond the horizon, perpetually one more catastrophe away. When will it finally arrive? Well, let’s take a look at the likely timeline of its glorious manifestation.
First, the economy needs to crash—spectacularly. Of course, this will be spun as a cleansing fire, a necessary purge of the silly things like social security or medicare. The billionaires, naturally, will be just fine, having moved their wealth offshore long before the little people noticed the flames.
Next comes the dismantling of the government. Why fund schools, roads, or emergency services when we can funnel that money into tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy? After all, real patriots pull themselves up by their bootstraps—who needs roads when you can afford a private jet? And if you’re too poor to survive without the social safety net, well, maybe you just weren’t meant to make it in Trump’s America. Evolution, baby!
Of course, no golden age is complete without the wholesale destruction of healthcare. Millions of his own supporters will lose access to medical treatment, but at least they’ll have the sweet, sweet comfort of knowing they owned the libs on their way to an early grave. Who needs insulin when you have unlimited thoughts and prayers?
And then war with Canada. Why? Because why not. Their universal healthcare and polite society are an affront to American greatness. Plus, Trudeau once looked at him funny. The justification will be simple: “Canada has been very unfair to us. Very, very unfair. Frankly, a disaster.” And it’s just a line a map, with that, the northern front will open. Don’t worry Mexica, you’re next.
And then, the pièce de résistance: Trump crowns himself President for Life. Why settle for four more years when you can have forever? American democracy was fun while it lasted, but let’s be honest—it’s so much easier when one man makes all the decisions. Elections are messy, after all. This will be hailed as a historic triumph, celebrated with gold-plated statues and mandatory loyalty parades.
So, there you have it. The Trumpian Golden Age—where the economy burns, the government collapses, millions die without healthcare, democracy crumbles, and we finally go to war with our neighbor. All of this, of course, in the name of making America great again.
Isn’t the future bright?
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