Trump: Pardoner and Thief

By Rob C.

Art by Adam Zyglis

TL;DR: Donald Trump doesn’t issue pardons — he hands out coupons for continued criminality. If you pledge loyalty, kiss the ring, donate a little crypto, maybe commit light treason on his behalf, congratulations: you’ve won a Get Out of Jail Free card in the world’s saddest, tackiest Monopoly game.

Donald Trump has always had a soft spot for criminals — as long as they’re his criminals. The man could stroll through a supermax prison blindfolded and still manage to sniff out the guy willing to go on TV and declare him the greatest Christian since Jesus. And in return? Why, Trump hands out pardons like he’s throwing paper towels at a hurricane-stricken crowd.

This is not mercy. This is not justice. This is transactional authoritarianism dressed up as patriotism. If you can help Donald Trump maintain power, make him feel adored, or help him financially (preferably offshore), you get a pardon. If you’re just an American trying not to get screwed by the system? Tough luck. Should’ve hired a lobbyist or run a Ponzi scheme that caught his eye.

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The Rogue’s Gallery of Trumpian Redemption

Let’s take a stroll through Trump’s Hall of Holy Forgiveness — a museum of white-collar crime, political corruption, war crimes, and spiritual rot.

There’s Joe Arpaio, America’s favorite racist sheriff, pardoned for ignoring federal court orders and running detention facilities that would embarrass actual warlords.

There’s Dinesh D’Souza, convicted of campaign finance fraud, who got pardoned because he tweets nice things about Dear Leader.

There’s Roger Stone, convicted of lying to Congress and witness tampering, pardoned for the heroic act of not flipping on Trump — the closest thing to martyrdom in MAGA theology.

There’s Paul Manafort, whose tax fraud was so outrageous it should’ve been turned into a museum exhibit, pardoned because he, too, chose ass-kissing over honesty.

And of course, the Blackwater guards involved in the infamous Nisour Square massacre in Iraq , all war criminals who committed atrocities abroad — pardoned because they looked “tough.” Donald Trump sees war crimes the same way he sees steak: well done and served with ketchup.

The Florida Medicare Fraudster Who Hit the Trump Jackpot

Because no Trump pardon roundup would be complete without honoring America’s most beloved pastime — stealing from Medicare — let’s talk about the Florida fraudster who cashed in big when Trump turned clemency into a loyalty rewards program.

Meet Philip Esformes, the man who pulled off one of the largest Medicare fraud schemes in U.S. history. Not “oops I filled out a form wrong” fraud. Not “my billing department got confused” fraud. No — $1.3 BILLION in fraudulent charges. Billion. With a “B.” The kind of fraud that requires whiteboards, spreadsheets, and maybe a small army.

Esformes fleeced taxpayers, exploited the elderly, bribed doctors, and ran a criminal enterprise that would make the Wolf of Wall Street say, “Dude, tone it down.”

He was convicted on multiple counts. He was sentenced to 20 years. Justice, for a brief shining moment, existed.

And then — in waltzes Donald Trump, patron saint of rich white-collar criminals, to bestow a commutation.

And now comes the newest jewel in Trump’s crown:
the expected pardon of Juan Orlando Hernández, the former Honduran president convicted of drug trafficking, corruption, and basically turning his country into a cartel startup.

Because nothing screams “law and order” like pardoning the guy who treated his presidency like a Narcos crossover episode.

This is not a bug. This is the design. Trump likes people who break the law for personal gain. He likes people who use political power for self-enrichment. He likes people who bribe, bully, and betray.

In other words: Trump likes people who remind him of himself.

And then there’s the Quid Pro Quo All-Star: CZ

Let’s not forget the crypto cheat himself — Changpeng Zhao, “CZ,” the man whose financial empire worked about as well as a colander used to carry soup.

CZ got nailed for massive violations of U.S. financial law, but hey — he had two things going for him: 1 - He had a lot of money. 2 -He knew how to flatter the orange dictator-tot.

Miraculously, Trump discovered a sudden, profound respect for crypto. Suddenly CZ was no longer a financial criminal but a “visionary.” Just another misunderstood billionaire who deserved presidential absolution. Shocking, right?

Just don’t ask what Trump got in return. That would be rude. Or worse — it would be journalism.

Trump’s America: Where Crime Works If You Work for Trump

Trump has turned the pardon power — once a solemn constitutional check — into a personal loyalty program. It’s like a Starbucks rewards card, but instead of free lattes, you get protection from federal prosecution.

If you are poor, powerless, or principled, you are on your own. If you are wealthy, corrupt, and willing to pledge fealty, you get a legal blessing from a man who sees the presidency as a really fancy customer service desk for his friends.

America cannot function like this.
A country cannot survive when criminality becomes partisan, justice becomes transactional, and the president functions like a mob boss in a collapsing Atlantic City casino.

But here we are.
And until Donald Trump is no longer the self-appointed Pope of Criminal Redemption, the stench will only get worse.

Trump hands out pardons to criminals like candy from a broken vending machine… it’s not personal, it’s just business.

💬 Since I can’t afford my own pardon, help a guy out - hit ❤️, share, and subscribe.

— Robert Cain, author of ‘Democracy for Sale: How Corporate Greed Is Corrupting Democracy and Endangering the Planet.’