Art by Michael De Adder
TL;DR: Trump’s 2-hour rambling cabinet meeting featured $1,000 pens, imaginary Iranian gifts, and delusional fantasies about running for President of Venezuela. Despite clear dementia, Donny Dim-wit commands the world’s largest military — and it’s going terribly. Trump and his hand-picked morons, in their arrogance, couldn’t foresee Iran using their most powerful tool: closing the Strait of Hormuz. The Strait isn’t technically closed — Iran’s negotiating passage with “friendly nations,” but American oil companies are shut out. In April, Trump could’ve made a deal MORE restrictive than Obama’s JCPOA, but used negotiations as a ruse to bomb Iran. Now he claims Iran is desperate to negotiate when reality is, it’s Trump who’s desperate — polling tanking, gas soaring, mortgage rates up 6 times. Worst may be yet to come: the geniuses forgot about the Red Sea, another chokepoint handling 12-15% of global maritime commerce and 30% of container traffic. Yemen’s Houthis (Iran’s allies) can stop another 15% of world Oil & LNG by attacking ships. Add Strait closure and the world’s energy supply crashes faster than Pete Hegseth after a bachelor party. While our Commander and Thief accepts made-up awards from congressional sycophants, someone’s making billions from insider trading on the war.
Good morning. If you’re reading this while waiting in a three-block line for a TSA security check, or if you just received your sixth mortgage interest hike notice this quarter, congratulations: you are a guest star in Donald Trump’s latest production of Strait to Hell.
It’s Friday, March 27, 2026. While the rest of the world is desperately trying to prevent a total systemic collapse of the global energy grid, our Commander-and-Thief spent two hours yesterday holding a “Cabinet Meeting” that felt less like a government briefing and more like a fever dream in a high-end hospice.
The meeting was a tour de force of cognitive decline. Surrounded by his hand-picked collection of sycophants and “Pickled Pete” Hegseth, Trump spent a solid twenty minutes marveling at a set of $1000 gold-plated pens, claiming they were “more powerful than a Tomahawk missile.” He then transitioned into a rambling fantasy about how the Iranian government — the same people he is currently trying to “liquidate” — actually sent him a “very big, very expensive” gift as a tribute to his “Alpha energy.”
But the real show-stopper? Trump spent ten minutes floating the idea of running for the Presidency of Venezuela once he finishes his current term, because, in his words, “they need a real winner down there, and I’ve already got the hair for the climate.”
Despite the clear signs that the lights are on but nobody is home, this man is still at the helm of the world’s largest military. And as we are seeing in the Persian Gulf, he is steering us directly into the rocks.
The Arrogance That’s Costing the World Trillions
Trump and his hand-picked collection of morons — Pickled Pete Hegseth, “Little Marco” Rubio, and the rest of the clown car cabinet — started this war with supreme confidence. They believed Netanyahu’s lies. They bought into the fantasy that Iran would just absorb the bombing and fold. They convinced themselves that American military superiority meant consequences were for other people.
They were catastrophically wrong.
What these geniuses couldn’t foresee — despite it being literally the most obvious thing Iran could do and what every expert predicted they would do — is that Iran would use their most powerful economic weapon: the Strait of Hormuz.
While not “technically” closed to the world, Iran is now negotiating transit rights with “friendly nations” (essentially anyone who isn’t a U.S. ally). For American oil companies, the door is slammed shut. We are officially on the outside looking in, while our “allies” are paying a premium just to keep the lights on. Iran is allowing Chinese tankers through. Russian ships. Vessels from countries that haven’t sanctioned Iran or supported the bombing campaign.
This is economic warfare at its finest. Iran is effectively choking off Western access to 20% of the world’s oil supply. Trump’s response? Threaten more bombing. Because when your strategy isn’t working, the solution is obviously to do more of that.
Negotiating in Bad Faith
We now know, thanks to stellar reporting from Jeremy Scahill and the team at Dropsite News, that the “negotiations” Trump bragged about back in April were a complete and total ruse.
Trump claimed he was working on a deal “ten times better” than the Obama-era JCPOA — a more restrictive, “Trump-branded” nuclear freeze. In reality, according to internal memos leaked to Scahill, the administration never had any intention of signing a piece of paper. They used it as diplomatic cover.
Back in April — just a few months ago — Iran was ready to negotiate. According to multiple sources, they were willing to accept terms even more restrictive than Obama’s JCPOA (the nuclear deal Trump tore up in his first term because Obama’s name was on it). Iran wanted sanctions relief. They were willing to accept significant restrictions on their nuclear program in exchange. It was a deal Trump could have taken, declared a massive victory (“I got a better deal than Obama!”), and avoided war entirely.
Instead, Trump and Netanyahu used the negotiations as a ruse to bomb the country. He pretended to negotiate while planning military strikes. He lied about pursuing diplomacy while preparing for war. Now Trump is somehow shocked that Iran is unwilling to talk.
Now Trump claims Iran is “desperate to negotiate.” This is projection at its finest. Iran isn’t desperate — they’re winning. They’ve closed the Strait to Western traffic. They’ve spiked global oil prices. They’ve demonstrated that attacking them has catastrophic economic consequences. They’re negotiating from a position of strength.
Trump is the desperate one. His polling numbers are in the toilet. Gas prices are soaring. Mortgage rates have risen six times since he started this war. The American public is turning against him as the economic pain intensifies. He needs a way out, but his ego won’t let him admit he made a catastrophic mistake.
So he lies. He claims Iran wants to negotiate (they don’t need to). He claims he’s winning (he’s not). He claims it’s all going according to plan (it’s a disaster). And his sycophants in media and Congress nod along because contradicting him means losing access to power.
The Red Sea: The Chokepoint They Forgot About
While Donny Dim-whit and his clown posse were busy high-fiving over the “maximum lethality” of their first strikes, they completely ignored the other jugular vein of global trade: The Red Sea.
The Strait of Hormuz isn’t the only vital waterway in the region. The Red Sea is another critical chokepoint for global commerce. It handles roughly 12-15% of global maritime commerce and 30% of global container traffic, connecting Asia and Europe through the Suez Canal.
As any 8th-grade history student (or a person who hasn’t been “pickled” like Hegseth) knows, the Houthis in Yemen are closely allied with Tehran. They don’t need a massive navy to destroy the global economy; they just need a few drones and a coastline.
The Houthis have been attacking ships in the Red Sea for months, demonstrating their capability to disrupt commerce. They have missiles. They have drones. They have the strategic position to shut down one of the world’s most important shipping lanes.
If Iran asks the Houthis to escalate — and why wouldn’t they, given that we’re bombing Iran — the Houthis are capable of hindering or stopping roughly 15% of the world’s oil and LNG supply by attacking ships off the Yemeni coast.
Add that to the effective closure of the Strait of Hormuz, and you’re looking at 35% of global oil and LNG supply disrupted or shut down entirely.
The world’s energy supply would crash faster than Pete Hegseth after a bachelor party (which, given his track record, is pretty damn fast).
Food prices would explode as transportation costs skyrocket. Manufacturing would grind to a halt. Airlines would cancel flights. Entire economies would enter crisis mode.
And Trump’s response? Probably another 3 AM toilet tweet threatening to bomb Yemen too, because clearly the solution to a multi-front crisis is more bombs.
Commander and Thief Accepts Made-Up Awards
While the global economy teeters on the brink of collapse, while working families worldwide struggle with spiking costs, while the geopolitical crisis Trump created spirals out of control, our Commander and Thief is busy accepting made-up awards from sycophants in Congress.
They’re giving him the “America First Award.” It’s like giving the Titanic captain an award for “navigating challenging waters” while the ship is actively sinking.
Trump loves it, of course. His dementia-addled brain can’t process the disaster he’s created, so he focuses on the validation. The shiny awards. The applause from people who know better but are too craven to tell him the truth.
It would be darkly funny if it wasn’t so catastrophically tragic.
Insider Trading and War Profiteering
But don’t worry — at least someone is making billions from this war.
We’ll have more on this later (much more), but early reporting suggests significant insider trading around the war’s start. Defense contractor stocks surged. Oil futures spiked. People with advance knowledge of the attack timing made fortunes.
Who had that advance knowledge? Probably the same people who always profit from war: defense contractors, oil executives, and the politicians they own.
This is how the Epstein class operates. Start wars. Profit from the chaos. Leave working people to pay the price in blood and treasure while you count your billions.
Trump’s Cabinet is full of people with financial interests in defense companies and oil firms. You think they’re upset about this war? They’re getting rich. The economic devastation hitting working families is just an externality — acceptable collateral damage in the pursuit of profit.
We’ll dig into the specific trades, the suspicious timing, the connections between policymakers and profiteers. But for now, just know: someone is making a killing off of killing. And it’s not you.
The Worst May Be Yet to Come
Trump’s war is optional. It’s illegal. It’s catastrophically stupid. But the worst may be yet to come.
If the Houthis escalate attacks in the Red Sea, global shipping collapses. If Iran fully closes the Strait of Hormuz rather than just restricting Western access, oil prices could hit $200/barrel. If the war expands to include other regional actors — Hezbollah in Lebanon, Iraqi militias, Syrian forces — we’re looking at a multi-front regional conflict that makes the current disaster look manageable by comparison.
Trump started this war to distract from the Epstein files. To look strong. To rally his base. To change the news cycle from his crimes to his “leadership.” Instead, he’s created a global catastrophe that may define his presidency — and not in the way he hoped. His approval is cratering. The economic pain is undeniable. The strategic failures are mounting. Even his supporters are starting to question whether this war was worth it.
But Trump can’t admit mistake. His ego won’t allow it. So he’ll double down. Escalate further. Lie more brazenly. Claim victory while losing. And drag the world deeper into chaos while his family and friends get rich from your suffering.
Have a Great Weekend… If You Can Afford It
F*CK ICE. RELEASE ALL THE FILES!
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Robert Cain is the author of Democracy for Sale: How Corporate Greed Is Corrupting Democracy and Endangering the Planet. Available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and booksellers everywhere.