Our Orange Julius Caesar: A Heartfelt Thank You to the Destroyer of Worlds

By Rob C.

Art by Kevin Siers

TL;DR: As we enter the second year of this “Post-Constitutional” fever dream, it’s time to offer a sincere thank you to Donald Trump for finally proving that America is less of a democracy and more of a liquidated asset sale. From $500 million UAE crypto-kickbacks and a $400 million “gift” Boeing 747 from Qatar to a Cabinet comprised of TV hosts and anti-vaxxers, the grift has never been more efficient. While Operation Metro Surge turns Minneapolis into a war zone and the Epstein files are buried under a mountain of Pam Bondi’s “privilege” redactions, we should all be grateful that the mask is finally off. This isn’t governance; it’s a Roman triumph for the predator class.

Dear Mr. President,

I feel compelled to write this morning to thank you. In a world of politicians who hide their corruption behind complex legislative maneuvers and boring policy white papers, your second term has been a breath of fresh, gold-plated air. Thank you for the breathtaking transparency of your “pay-to-play” diplomacy. Most leaders would be embarrassed to accept a $400 million luxury Boeing 747 from the government of Qatar while their family’s “World Liberty Financial” crypto-startup rakes in a casual $500 million from the UAE royal family. But you? You wear those bribes like a bespoke suit. It’s comforting to know that our foreign policy is now as easy to understand as a Starbucks menu: you pay the fee, you get the computer chips and the AI access. Simple. Effective. Efficient.

We also owe you a debt of gratitude for the “All-Star” team you’ve assembled to run—or rather, dismantle—our government agencies. Thank you for giving us a Secretary of Defense who is a literal TV host, a Secretary of Health who thinks the measles are a “choice,” and an Attorney General in Pam Bondi whose primary qualification seems to be an incredible ability to look at evidence of elite pedophilia and see only Stock Market gains. It takes a special kind of vision to replace the “best people” with a collection of sycophants who treat the Bill of Rights like a stack of napkins at a Mar-a-Lago buffet. Your commitment to making sure no one in your administration actually knows how to do their job is a masterclass in institutional sabotage.

Thank you for your “originalist” interpretation of the Constitution—which apparently means the Fourteenth Amendment is just a suggestion and the Alien Enemies Act of 1798 is the new gold standard for domestic policy. The way you’ve unleashed “Operation Metro Surge” in Minneapolis is truly something to behold. There’s nothing quite like the sight of masked federal agents zip-tying five-year-olds and using the “Mobile Fortify” app to profile American citizens based on the color of their skin to make one feel “free.” You promised to end the wars, and you’ve certainly kept your word—by simply bringing the battlefield to the streets of American cities instead. Who needs a foreign conflict when you can treat American cities like a war zone?

Our international reputation has never been more vibrant, by which I mean it’s currently glowing like a radioactive crater. Thank you for making sure that our oldest allies now view us with the same nervous suspicion one reserves for a neighbor who has started building a rocket launcher in their front yard. Threatening a “hockey war” with Canada and claiming that China is going to cancel the Stanley Cup is a stroke of genius. It’s the perfect distraction while you gut the W.H.O. and pause foreign aid to anyone who doesn’t explicitly pledge fealty to the Trump Organization. You aren’t just an “America First” president; you’re an “America Only” president, and the rest of the world is happily moving on without us.

Finally, thank you for the lies. The sheer, relentless volume of them is a testament to your work ethic. Whether you’re claiming to protect the “working man” while Howard Lutnick guts labor protections, or pretending that you’re “cleaning up the swamp” while pardoning the white collar criminals who can pay the fee, the consistency is impressive. You’ve turned the truth into a “post-constitutional” relic, and for that, every aspiring autocrat in history is looking down (or up) at you with envy. You are the Caesar we deserve, presiding over a colosseum where the only thing being fed to the lions is our future.

OOPS: We almost forgot the biggest thank you of all! A special shout-out for the “Epstein Redaction Racket.” Thank you for ensuring that even though you appear “over a million times” in the files, the American people will never see the unredacted truth as long as Pam Bondi is holding the Sharpie. Nothing says “draining the swamp” like protecting a guest list of the world’s most powerful pedophile.

So there it is, Donald. Our heartfelt thanks for four years of corruption, incompetence, cruelty, and constitutional vandalism. You promised to “Make America Great Again,” and instead you made America a global laughingstock, a failing democracy, and a cautionary tale about what happens when you elect a con man who cares only about himself.

F*CK ICE, RELEASE ALL THE FILES!

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— Robert Cain, author of Democracy for Sale: How Corporate Greed Is Corrupting Democracy and Endangering the Planet.