Kentucky Fried Tyranny: The Caribbean Crime Spree

By Rob C.

Art by Dave Granlund

TL;DR: Our favorite executive-order addict has declared an imaginary war on “narco-terrorists” in the Caribbean, giving his Defense Secretary the go-ahead to execute people without trial via Hellfire missile.² This is ruling by 3am Twitter rant, and while the Supreme Court might have shielded the Big Boss, the rest of his criminal enterprise is wearing very thin Kevlar.

Donald Trump wakes up at 3am. He scrolls through his favorite internet conspiracy. Someone mentions a country he can’t spell. Poof! A new war is declared. Forget Congress, forget international law, forget that quaint little thing called due process. Survey says - The villain of the week is “narco-terrorists” in the Caribbean, which is apparently Trump-speak for “anyone on a boat near a country I don’t like.”³

The man, whose legal theory is primarily driven by feelings and the rantings of the people who pucker up the most, has empowered his Defense Secretary, Pete Hegseth, to launch missile strikes on vessels without a shred of evidence being presented to the American people.⁴ We’re talking about lethal, kinetic strikes on human beings whose only crime might be, well, actually committing a crime—which, in a functioning democracy, is supposed to be addressed by a court, not a drone.⁵

The “kill them all” order, as it was chillingly reported, which included follow-up strikes to ensure that even shipwrecked survivors were eliminated, finally proved a step too far.⁶ It was even too much for some of the Trump sycophants in the House and Senate, who are now nervously clearing their throats and demanding a “classified briefing.” Bless their hearts. They’re suddenly worried about “war crimes” because apparently, the constitutionally protected right to not be executed without trial stops being a theoretical concept when your Defense Secretary is allegedly ordering extrajudicial murder on live TV.

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It’s clear that in Trump’s world, designating a group a “terrorist organization”—whether it’s an actual organized cartel or just a loose-knit band of criminals—is the functional equivalent of granting himself a License to Kill.⁷ Because why go through the tedious process of interdiction, capture, and prosecution when you can just blow up the evidence and the defendants simultaneously? It saves on lawyer fees, and makes for great viral video for the MAGA base.

The Tyranny of the Unchecked Executive

The Caribbean killings are merely the latest, bloodiest manifestation of Trump’s belief that the presidency is a King-for-a-Day card. The man has demonstrated an almost playful disregard for the machinery of government, happily cutting agencies on a whim, firing officials the moment they display an ounce of independent thought, and, in a move that defines his pettiness, unilaterally changing the name of international bodies of water.⁸

Yes, in case you missed it, what the rest of the civilized, map-reading world knows as the Gulf of Mexico is now, by executive fiat, the Gulf of America. Because if you can’t build a wall through a body of water, you can at least try to rename it like a cheap hotel rebranding itself. This is the level of profound, strategic statesmanship we are dealing with.

The ultimate tragedy, however, is the legal scaffolding he’s managed to put up around himself. The Supreme Court may have issued a divisive ruling that granted Trump absolute or presumptive immunity from criminal prosecution for his official acts. This is excellent news for the man who sees the Presidency as a shield against all accountability.

But here is the beautiful, shining moment of hope for the justice system: that immunity is only for Trump. It’s a bespoke suit, tailored for one. It does not extend to the criminal enterprise he runs. It doesn’t shield his Defense Secretary, his advisors, or the low-ranking officials who carried out the order to target shipwrecked survivors. When the legal reckoning arrives, our Kentucky Fried Tyrant may be protected, but his entire administration could very well be left standing outside the law-free zone, holding the bag for every missile strike, every illegal firing, and every crime committed in the name of “American greatness.” And that, my friends, is when the real show begins.

— Robert Cain, author of Democracy for Sale: How Corporate Greed Is Corrupting Democracy and Endangering the Planet.