Or:
How Tech Bros Sell Us Digital Beanie Babies While Robbing Us Blind
by Rob C.
Let’s get one thing straight right out of the gate: crypto is not the future. It’s not money. It’s not revolutionary. It’s not the glorious people-powered utopia we were promised in some sweaty Reddit thread in 2013. It’s a digital Ponzi scheme—with better marketing.
Most people couldn’t tell you how it actually works. All they know is that it’s shiny, it’s new, and some 26-year-old named Braxton just bought a Lamborghini with something called a “dog-e coin.” So now everyone’s racing to get in before they miss the next gold rush—which, coincidentally, is exactly how every pyramid scheme starts.
What Is Money, Anyway?
Real currencies—like the U.S. dollar—get a lot of flak. “It’s just paper!” cry the crypto cultists. “The Fed prints it out of thin air!” But here’s the thing: the dollar is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government. That means it’s tied to the entire U.S. economy—our land, natural resources, productivity, military, and GDP. You know, actual stuff.
You can pay your taxes with it. Buy groceries. Pay your rent. Take a vacation. You don’t have to check Elon Musk’s Twitter account to find out if your money will be worth anything tomorrow.
And if you’re still not sold, ask yourself: What do investors run to during global chaos? Not Doge coin. Not Bitcoin. The dollar. Every. Single. Time.
Crypto: Backed by Nothing but Vibes
Now let’s look at crypto. What’s it backed by? Absolutely nothing. There’s no central bank. No GDP. No mineral wealth. No government. No legal protections. Just some code on a server and a bunch of white papers written in tech babble.
“But what about blockchain?” Ah yes, the magical word that makes everything sound futuristic and legit. Blockchain is just a digital ledger. A record-keeping system. A glorified Excel spreadsheet that’s decentralized and allegedly tamper-resistant—until someone finds a workaround or convinces enough users to “fork” the code and rewrite history.
Blockchain is not money. It’s not a store of value. It’s a tool. And just because it’s used by crypto doesn’t mean crypto is stable, smart, or safe. After all, McDonald’s uses spreadsheets—doesn’t mean you should invest in Happy Meal tokens.
Too Many Coins, Too Little Value
At last count, there were over 20,000 different cryptocurrencies. Yes, twenty thousand. That’s not innovation—it’s financial spam. For every Bitcoin or Ethereum, there are thousands of “coins” created as a joke, a rug pull, or a way to make a quick buck from gullible investors.
Remember Luna/Terra? Market cap over $40 billion… until it wasn’t. It collapsed almost overnight, vaporizing life savings and turning Reddit threads into digital graveyards.
Then came FTX—the crypto exchange that was supposed to be “too smart to fail.” Instead, it turned out to be a Bahamas-based frat party run by Sam Bankman-Fried, who treated customer funds like Monopoly money, until it all blew up in a mushroom cloud of fraud.
And now? We’ve got TrumpCoin, MAGA tokens, and meme coins from influencers promising access to “private alpha chats” in exchange for your dignity and your checking account.
SIDEBAR: Crypto’s Greatest Faceplants – The Hall of Digital Shame
1. Terra/Luna – Imploded $40 Billion in Market Cap
The “stablecoin” that wasn’t. Pegged to the dollar via a complex algorithm that failed in spectacular fashion. The result? Total collapse and massive investor wipeout in 2022.
2. FTX – Fraud on an Olympic Scale
Run by Sam Bankman-Fried, FTX was one of the biggest exchanges until it turned out to be a glorified Ponzi scheme. Millions lost, Sam is now wearing prison beige, and crypto trust is in the dumpster.
3. Bitconnect – The Original Meme Scam
Promised insane returns through a mysterious trading bot. Spoiler: there was no bot. It collapsed like a Jenga tower made of wet spaghetti. The cringe “Bitconnect!” YouTube guy lives in infamy.
4. SafeMoon – Safe? Not Even Close.
Marketed as a “community-driven” crypto. After the hype died, the developers cashed out, the price tanked, and retail investors were left with digital pocket lint.
5. TrumpCoin / MAGA Tokens – Red Hats, Empty Wallets
Branded coins that exist solely to exploit the MAGA crowd. Trump himself disavowed them—then launched his own. Now offering steak dinners for top “investors.” Nothing screams integrity like selling influence in coin form.
The Ponzi in the Room
At its core, Crypto operates like a Ponzi scheme on Red Bull: early adopters make billions, then cash out when enough latecomers buy in. The later you arrive, the more likely you are to be left holding the pixelated bag. Prices are driven not by underlying value, but by hype, FOMO, and a never-ending stream of influencers yelling “To the moon!” from their rented Lamborghinis.
And as with all good scams, Wall Street has arrived, wearing a backwards cap and pretending it invented decentralization. Crypto “exchanges” are just casinos dressed up as finance platforms. And the regulators? They’re still trying to figure out MySpace.
Meanwhile, Trump and his band of grifters have jumped into the market with their own meme coins, dinner-for-donors, NFT scams, and “influencer investing” packages that are more pay-for-play than campaign fundraising. It’s not about freedom. It’s about profit. Their profit. Your loss.
It’s Digital Alchemy—and You’re the Mark
Crypto has become the perfect con for the digital age. It promises the world, delivers volatility, and leaves you wondering why your life savings are now worth less than a Chipotle burrito. It’s not democratizing wealth—it’s concentrating it in the hands of early adopters, venture capitalists, and the same people who crashed the housing market and walked away richer.
So here’s the truth: Crypto isn’t the future of money—it’s the future of marketing scams. It’s an illusion, a get-rich-quick fantasy peddled by tech libertarians who want your cash without regulation, oversight, or consequences.
And if you’re still not convinced, ask yourself why the people screaming “crypto is freedom” are also the ones selling you tokens, charging you gas fees, and promising you the moon… from their offshore tax haven.
Final Word: If it sounds too good to be true, and you don’t understand how it works but your Uber driver is all in—run.
Crypto isn’t freedom. It’s financial cosplay for billionaires, tech bros, and wannabe libertarians. It promises decentralization, but somehow always ends up in a handful of wallets—and surprise, yours isn’t one of them.
Real currencies may be boring, but they don’t vanish overnight.
Art by Walt Handelsman
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